To the man with the blue shirt, dodgy hair and old shoes who just stood next to me at the urinals ..... for you pissing on the floor, I fine you $10.

To the girl with the grey sweater and black skirt who just walked into me because she wasn't looking where she was going ..... I fine you $12.

In Caulfield Park, to the owner of the dog that must be the size of a bison ..... for not picking up it's poo, I fine you $24.

At work. Men's toilets. Cubicle 4.

Nothing should sound or smell like that.

To the occupant ..... I fine you $23 and demand that you return to the planet that you came from.

On the 96 tram going to work ..... to the German girl talking loudly on her phone for the whole journey, I fine you $7 and 1 Chinese Burn.

Rococo Cafe, Acland Street, St Kilda.

To this man for repeatedly sneezing into his hand, examining the output and then wiping it onto his jeans ..... I fine you $17.25.

At work. To the cafe on the third floor, can you please make your coffee taste of coffee. This is not your first offense. $3.60 fine to you.

For some reason, all phones allow for keypad sounds to be on.

To the 30ish man on the 112 tram, for having sound on (loud) and being over the age of 6, I fine you $6.15.

Grow up.

To the nob on the 112 tram ..... "sumfink" is not a word.

A $4.34 fine to you.

To the person who had been in the elevator before me ..... for the smell that you left behind, I fine you $4.75

It would have been more if somebody else had got in and thought that I had generated it.

At Doncaster Shopping Centre and I have two things to say:

1. bored children are vile and
2. everyone - get out of my bloody way.

There are no fines to be dished out but I would happily pay $20 for a sharp stick.

555 Collins Street - in the lift to the 21st floor.

To the man who got in and the 12th floor and stood next to me with his arm touching mine - there was enough room and you didn't have to and therefore ..... I fine you $12 for not being socially aware.

Walking past Flinders Street Station.

To the bloke who looked like he'd already been embalmed, if you're carrying an umbrella, then make sure it's under control and not hitting my leg.

For being a tosser, I fine you $10.75.

96 tram heading to St Kilda.

To the girl who kindly offered me the spare seat (that I declined), there is no fine for being nice but now I feel like an old man who looks like he needs a seat.

A sad day.

For feeding the swans despite all the signs telling you not to, I fine you $27 on top of the official fine.

This chap is sitting next to me on the tram.

I am fining him $5 - that is $1 for each day since I estimate that he last washed.

Mate - you stink.

Northlands Shopping Centre.

To the girl who suddenly stopped to look at her phone (without thought nor warning) causing me to bump into her ..... that's a $4.80 fine you vague moron.

Yes you have a ring through your nose - very cool.

However, the bogey hanging from it will cost you a $2 yuk fine.

Sort it out will you?

86 tram.

To the drunk who won't stop shouting "Who's required to be challenged?", I fine you $10 and demand you drink much coffee.

And why has he now switched to "Are we committed to condemn?" at the top of his voice?

Sigh.

Elsternwick. The breakfast is either 'all day' or '7am - 4pm' - you can't have it both ways.

I fine you $3.50 or one coffee - your choice.

Dinner in St Kilda found us sitting near 4 of the most pretentious knobs you've ever heard.

The word 'fabulous' was over used.
The oysters were apparently "fertile".
One said that "it was a privilege to have that in my mouth" (ooooh errrr).
One said "this, my friend, is fine dining".

I only fine you $6.12 each because your biggest punishment is each other's company.

96 tram.

I don't mind that you are behaving oddly and have no shoes on, but for picking bits off your face and munching on them, I fine you $12.05.

A fine of £25 to the man who decided that all English car parks should smell of piss.

I am in Brighton and think that I have just parked in your crowning glory.

Just saw some of UK Big Brother and the narrator said "it is now 23pm".

You can have 23:00 or 11pm - that is a £3.25 fine, you cock.

£8.65 fine for these two planks for walking along and giving each other a running commentary on their lives e.g.

"I've received a text",
"I'm going to reply",
"what shall I say",
"I'm replying",
"I've replied" etc.

You two can just go and get stuffed.

£6.66 fine to this man.

6 urinals in a row - me at number 1 and nobody at 2 to 6 until this man stood at number 2.

Tut tut.

This woman just spoiled our tour up the Round Tower at Windsor Castle by talking drivelling bollocks whilst the guide tried to inform us of stuff.

That is a £3.23 fine but I'd settle with slapping her silly face.

A £4.99 to this woman who shared our pod on the London Eye this morning.

The trip took 30 minutes and she spent 20 of them talking very loudly on her phone - what a thoughtless and selfish troll.

The driver of this old bus slowed down enough for me to jump on, but sped off before Carolyn could get on.

Though it was funny, I am fining you £4.01.

For the worst wig of the week.

I thank you for the laugh but am still fining you 79 pence for being delusional in thinking that nobody would notice.

Walking along side the Thames we heard some contemporary jazz that was accompanied by jazz dancers.

A scourge of all civilised society - I fine them £23.64 each and that is being kind.

They say that it is lucky when a feathered friend poos on you - well it was lucky for me that it chose Carolyn's head rather than mine - and on her birthday too.

Oh well ..... shit happens.

On a ferry heading towards the Eiffel Tower, this knob not only pushed me out the way for a photo.

He was also whistling - and the song that he was whistling?

"Those Were The Days" by Mary Hopkins.

For that, you loser, I fine you €17.98.

For our last night in Paris we went on a delightful dinner cruise down the Seine that was lovely despite the piano & violin duo playing "Those Were The Days" by Mary Hopkins - an indiscretion that was negated by the food, views and company.

You may not believe me, but Carolyn can vouch for it.

At a Metro station as we were going from Champs Élysées to St Germaine, there was a man playing a piano accordion and the song that he was playing?

Yes, it was bloody "Those Were The Days" by Mary Hopkins.

Come on Paris - sort it out - end this obsession now.

I'm on a course today.

To the techie chap who is trying to sound non-techie.

It's failing mate - you sound like a wanker. $3.87 fine.

To the chap in this car, for walking behind the car as I tried to reverse into a spot and then opening your car door so I couldn't reverse in and then leaving the door open for longer than necessary, I hate you and fine you $7.16.

70 tram heading to Richmond.

Hey tram driver - there is a speed limit - any chance that you can reach it?

My frustration means a $4 fine for you, knobhead.

To the man in the Subways on Bourke Street, Docklands .....

I also have a) a finger and b) a nose, but I don't sit in the window with a) inserted so far up b) that your brain is in danger of being scratched. Maybe he was looking for "real fruit pieces"?

Regardless, for that sight, I fine you $4.95

Oh my! I work in a building that contains the type of person that results in there being a need for signs like this.

" Please do not stand on the toilet seat. This is unhygienic, unsafe, and causes the seats to break "

I suppose they shouldn't trail their knuckles on the ground as they skunk about the place either.

A $6.12 fine to each of them.

This girl tells stories where she leaves in all the dull bits EG:

He said that he was a film producer. I said "really?". He said "yes"

Just the first sentence was required so I fine you $2.19 for the two irrelevant sentences.

Listening to the radio, when asked how big something was, the answer came back that it was the size of a small fist.

What? What the hell type of answer is that?

Using that sort of thinking, when asked how tall I am, my answer is now "as tall as a big rabbit".

A $4.68 fine for .... well, just because.

Stopped by a little cafe earlier and to make a note of the place I asked if they had a card.

The answer back was, "No - we only have memories".

That reminded me that the same waiter had used the same line when I was last there 2 years ago.

So a good line, but a $2 fine - that is $1 for each year that has passed without him thinking up a new line.

These 3 knobs were in the same cafe as me and they think that they are so great that their volume seems designed to give everyone else a share of their personalities.

So now everyone can hear that they are twats who I am fining $6 each.

I'm all for people losing weight, but seeing this last night makes me say that when your knees become fatter than your legs, then you should start eating doughnuts again.

I only fine her 5 cents as she should be using her money on buying more grub.

Um .... this isn't a hat - not that it would make it any better - $1.25 fine

This troll is continually slurping at her empty drink - shut the hell up and pay the $2.21 fine you cretin - enough already.

And she just got off the tram and left her drink - add $24.74 to the fine poo-head

To Alison Starr who I haven't spoken to in years ..... for making a comment because your team (Sydney) beat my team (Hawthorn), I fine you three bad attacks of flatulence to occur at the most inappropriate of times.

A nice greeting when I reached the tram stop this morning as I got to see this man having a piss.

That's a $2 fine plus a further $2 because you also smell - sod it .... let's make it a round $5

Yesterday's pissing man was back this morning and dressed for summer.

He also demonstrated his prowess at spitting which will cost him a $1.01 fine.

Thanks IGA, but if I had wanted my yoghurt to taste fizzy, I could have left it out of the fridge for 2 days myself.

That's a $6.12 fine you knobs.

I'm at RockWiz and this woman is telling her partner all the answers but she hasn't got one right yet.

I fine you 10 cents per wrong answer - that's $4.20 please

At Body Corp AGM and these two butt-plugs wouldn't stop muttering and talking to each other despite people asking them to shut up.

Very distracting, annoying and rude - it's going to cost you $10.12 each and you're lucky that I didn't send you to your rooms without any dinner.

Just because you look a bit like Dali doesn't stop you getting a $3.02 fine for standing in front of me smelling like your clothes are made of old smoked cigarette ends. Not good

If the Beano character, Plug (image inset), had smoked bad weed for many years, he'd look like this gormless knob who I am fining 75 cents for looking so vacant on the tram this morning.

Pissing/spitting man is back.

Newer clothes - good.

Dyed hair - why not?

Hitler haircut - $4.26 fine.

To the man attached to these feet ..... for answering your phone from in there, with all that is going on around you, that is a $4.77 fine.

Weird behaviour indeed.

Driving along normally in the outside lane of two, the arse in the car was on the inside lane and was coming up to a parked car and started pulling out into me. I had to break to prevent an accident so hit the horn. He slammed on his brakes causing me and the queue behind to stop. He sat there waiting for I don't know what. I sat there and waited and Carolyn took the photo of the car with the flag on it's aerial. He then zoomed off and we carried on our merry way.

Soon after, we caught up with him again when he stopped at some traffic lights. He braked and stopped in the middle of the road again to (I suppose) annoy me - but it didn't work and I was happy to bide my time and not try and go around him. When the lights had turned to red, he zoomed through them - possibly to escape from me - though I wasn't chasing.

But no, when the lights changed he was waiting for us in a lay by and pulled out next to us waving his phone - possibly trying to take our photographs - how sweet.

He then pulled in about 1cm from the back of the car and swerved about back there. I remained calm and did nothing but carry on as though he wasn't there. I suspect that my lack of any reaction to his moves was making him more annoyed. Oh well.

He drifted into the inside lane ready for his next move without realising that I was turning right. When he saw that, he cut off the car behind and camped as close as he could to my tail as I tootled along ignoring him as he swerved side to side.

Eventually, at a roundabout, I turned left and he went around and back from whence we came.

So, for being King Arse of the Arse people and for being a bully and for trying to aggravate a confrontation and for trying to pressure me into something dangerous, I damn you to hell where your balls (if you have any) will be barbecued whilst still attached.

On behalf of all the people who may have had to deal with your madness before and for those who may be unfortunate enough to meet you in the future - you are fined $228.68 and can go and fuck yourself.

"5:20" I replied.

"Is that Eastern Daylight Time?".

What else would it be, you dick? 12 cent fine.

Getting into the lift:

"Hi Michael, how are you?".
"Good thanks, how are you?".
"Yeah, good. How are you?".

Stop!

I'm sure that I've had this deja vu feeling about a vocal loop before. $1 fine. $1 fine. Huh?

I sat next to this cold-hearted chump at Archie Roach's CD launch.

It was one of the most impressive shows you could witness and he could barely bring himeself to clap.

Why come along then knob-head?

$15.00 fine - if you can't feel anything, then maybe your wallet can feel lighter now.

In the queue at a fruit shop, a new register opened and they asked me to go to it.

Off I went only for this mole to push in front of me.

I sarcastically said "After you" and she stuck her nose up and ignored me.

That'll cost you $7.96 you troll.

On my scooter, I came up behind this car at a junction. We were both waiting to turn right.

I moved to the far right of the lane and thought about going alongside the car. The driver had his window open and I noticed his hand was shaking a lot on the steering wheel so I decided to stay back.

When a gap in the traffic arrived he put his foot down but was in reverse and shot backwards into the space I had just vacated. Phew.

He then put it in the right gear and moved forwards and turned right without checking whether there was still a gap - another close call but the other car noticed what he was doing and slowed down.

I saw the car turn into a carpark so I did the same and took the photo.

The driver was very old and didn't move easily - but he has lived longer than his driving seemed to indicate that he would.

Regardless, it's a fine of $3.52.

To this old dude, I don't mind your toothless mouth muttering, but saying

"...*something* *something* fork *something* forking *somthing* twat"

is unnecessary and will cost you a $1.12 fine potty-mouth

To this singing man who stopped singing to ask me whether Chevvy Chase was dead.

I said that I didn't think so and he said good as it makes him sad when people die - particularly Chevvy Chase.

And then back to the singing.

A fine of 45 cents is enough.

YouTube link

Ummmm .... $6.14 should cover this one off

Weird in the real world - less weird on film.

Weird enough to be fined $2.15 if it's a woman or $2.20 if it's a man.

Not a real crime with Christmas so close, but still, maybe $0.24 for being so un-bikey?

This garden gnome came to life and turned into a pimp. (click image for some clarity)

The young (?) prostitute with him just handed over $30 (maybe earned from 30 shags) and he's on the phone calling (possibly) for more drugs.

The look on her face is that she's had enough drugs, so I fine him the $30.

Another Hitler lookalike.

The standard Hitler fine of $4.26 still stands.

To quote her: "They said I should get a job but I'm a lazy c**t so no f**king way"

So our future is in good hands.

Sigh.

I fine her $6 - that is $1 for each point that "c**t" scores in scrabble.

Walking like a cowboy, but looking like a drunk.

It's not even noon and he's wasted - a click of the photo will show you that his clothes sense also give a hint as to his aroma.

A sad case whom I fine $0.79 for no particular reason.

I think that $0.25 for each centimeter he had his finger up his nose is reasonable.

So that's a $1 fine.

For leaving your empty cans in the street, I fine you $2.27

I don't believe that it was necessary to qualify this instruction.

I fine the council $3.67 for having done so.

I mean .... really?

This chap is called Merrick and he talked to me for almost an hour in a cafe and his stories got more and more weird and unbelievable.

Apparently he was friends with Rod Stewart, Robert Plant and that crowd and used to play football with them in L.A.

Of course you did.

I fine him $1.42 for not keeping it real